Vacation Ends, Depression Begins

So as if missing two busses in one day wasn’t enough, I proceeded to have more bad luck upon my return to Cajamarca. We arrived at 7:30 am and Jessica and Heidi (who were also on our bus) invited us out to breakfast. We opted not to go as we had essentially spent our entire monthly stipends already and still had three weeks to go in the month. I gave the girls money for my bus ticket and told them to call me when they were leaving Cajamarca and I’d go out to the road to wait for them. I timed the taxi ride from Cajamarca to Lindsay’s site so I thought I had everything figured out. Well there we were hanging out in Lindsay’s room and next thing I know it’s 10:55 – five minutes before the bus is supposed to leave Cajamarca. I start getting ready, but haven’t heard yet from the girls so I wasn’t too worried. Next thing I know it’s 11:10! I try calling the girls and realize the network is busy for our phones so no one can call out – that’s why I haven’t heard from them…crap! I run out to the road, but by the time I get there it’s 11:20. I think I’ve probably just made it in time because the buses never leave on time and it takes 15 minutes to get to her site. The woman across the street who sells me water tells me the bus hasn’t passed yet, but her friend insists it has. I continued praying that I hadn’t really missed my third bus in three days, but by 11:35 I was starting to worry that the bus hadn’t passed yet. We finally got through to Jessica and she confirmed that I had, in fact, missed the bus….AGAIN!

At this point I didn’t think it was funny anymore. To be honest, I was ready to get back to my site. I missed Bambamarca, Chabu and the kids, my family, Rita, and my own bed. I couldn’t believe I had missed another bus. I began to get really cranky because I was so frustrated with myself. I don’t do things like this. This is so out of character for me. I was hoping I’d wake up and it’d all be a bad dream, but of course, that wasn’t the case. I felt so stupid and irresponsible. Unfortunately Lindsay was cranky too because she had hurt her knee and was having trouble walking. We were quite a joy to be around.

We went into Cajamarca so I could buy another stupid bus ticket. Man was I annoyed with myself. We also went to the computer place to pick up her computer. It appears they didn’t do anything to fix her computer and the only reason it’s working is because of a $84 cord Kevin brought back from the U.S. for her, but they insisted they fixed it. We both tried to argue to get our money back since we both think they didn’t actually do anything to our computers, but like I told you before, it was a failed attempt. I don’t know enough about computers to argue for too long about them and I was feeling terrible. Turns out, on top of everything else that was going on, whatever is living in my body had come back to haunt me. All of the same symptoms I had a month ago – bloated stomach (where it looks like I’m 6 months pregnant), sharp pains, gas, sulfur burps, the works – it all came back with a vengeance. When this happened a month ago, my doctor told me to take Cipro and if it didn’t help, that means I probably have a parasite. Well it helped at the time, but only temporarily because here it is again so I had to go to the clinic. Lindsay had to go too for her knee and a possible kidney infection – what a great night. Luckily we had Grey’s Anatomy to help cheer us up – we’re definitely addicted to that show.

The lab at the clinic was about to close when we went the day before so they told me to bring my stool sample in the morning before I left. Lindsay had to give a urine sample so since I was already going…. Only in the Peace Corps do you ride on public transportation carrying your and your friend’s pee and poop samples. What a life.

I finally made it back to Bambamarca, safe and sound, that afternoon. It was great to be back in my room, but shortly afterwards, depression started to kick in. I started to feel guilty and frustrated that I haven’t done anything in my town. I’ve been here for seven months and what do I have to show for it? I got frustrated at how slowly things move work wise even though I’m trying to make an effort and get projects started. My girls don’t show up any more for the meetings and every time I try to get something done with Rita, she says yes, but then it never goes anywhere. It made me feel bad because over vacation, some of the business volunteers were talking about successful projects they are doing with youth or are about to start. Working with youth is a secondary project for them, but for me it’s my main work and I have nothing. Ahhhh! Sometimes I get frustrated because our results aren’t tangible. Not that I think the work of any volunteer is easy, in any way, but at least for the business volunteers, they are given a group to work with and their results are more tangible – they can measure profits, productivity, etc. I’m trying to realize that my “work” isn’t only charlas and projects, but also the relationships I form and the intercultural exchange, but sometimes it’s really hard to push my American mentality of what work is, aside.

In the past two days, things have appeared to be picking up. I’m going to start visiting one of the classes in the elementary school every Friday for an hour and a half to do activities related to self-esteem and values. I’m really good friends with the teacher and these kids are going to finish elementary school this year so we both agree it would be good for them to improve their self-image before going on to high school. I’m going to use a resource a fellow Peace Corps Volunteer developed. It’s designed to do over various sessions so I’ll probably be doing it for the next 4-6 weeks. Sometimes I feel really unoriginal using the stuff they give us instead of developing my own things, but I figure they gave it to us because it works so I try not to feel too bad about it. I don’t think I’m normally a very negative or unmotivated person, but it’s really easy to get down on yourself here. Sometimes keeping a positive attitude is like trying to dig a hole to China.

Sometimes I wish I could carry a tape recorder around with me so you guys could hear the things I listen to everyday while I’m walking through the streets. As you know, I get lots of whistles, marriage proposals, and random phrases in English – whatever the person happens to know how to say or has heard on TV. I would say the most popular shouts are “pretty baby” and “I lov-ay you” (they try to pronounce every letter of love because that’s what you do in Spanish). I always ignore them because it annoys me and I don’t want to encourage them. Here is what I was greeted with yesterday morning, “Hey you! How are you? Fuck you!” (excuse my language). Welcome back, Kristen.

Oh and when I was walking down the street with Rita yesterday she asks me out of the blue, Kristen have you gained weight? I told her I wasn’t sure and she said she doesn’t think so, but I need to be careful because I gain it easily. Thanks for the advice.

These were not the things I wanted to hear after the few days I had just had. I’m frustrated with work, I already feel fat because I’m pretty sure something is living inside of me and it makes me incredibly bloated, and I feel sick everyday after lunch. Please just leave me alone.